Do the math

Medical Care of the Adult I started today. We have an instructor who graduated twice from our school who is also a registered nurse anesthetist. Five weeks and another final exam. Another 5 weeks and another final exam. I lost a cartridge of ink printing the summaries we outlined over the weekend. Okay. We are on day 1. There were about 40 chapters somewhere in there. I can't read what I printed. Where are my bifocals?

Today our ND gave us our clinical prep sheets, patient and self assessments and told us to bone up on our math (dose calculations/conversions). I broke out into a sweat and thought for one second that it might be menopause (then I popped back into reality)...the panic has begun. Hot flashes are for home. Diaphoresis is for school. So is sacral tenderness, and borborygmi.

So essentially it breaks out a little something like this: try and follow me now:

Wake up at dawn
Do I wear white or do I wear street?
My bags are packed and ready to go (la la la - sing it might help)
Meet the roadies at carpool/caffeine junction. Swallow caffeine fast. Carpool lane.
Go to lecture/theory...sit for 4 hours..take notes (oops, course not loaded on blackboard yet?...take really good notes) Listen with rapt attention to a lot of important stuff that might save someone's life someday.
Go to the bathroom fast - eat something quick - burp. My stomach hurts. Sacrum is tender, but no sign of a pressure ulcer. Do you have a motrin?
Sit in Lecture for another 4 hours (take really good notes again - when will that be posted?) Tinel's sign positive. Is that carpal tunnel..is that nagging pain my thigh a DVT?

Boss comes in to give us a pep talk. We listen like little puppies to how we will be evaluated for every rotation. I feel no pain. Synapses are firing now.

We must get a S (satisfactory) to survive (70% or higher on exams)and we must complete all these forms in pencil. We must prepare for exams and care plans. We must sleep, (sucker). Read in reverse. Do the math. It amounts to a nap at 4 AM.

Clinical tips:
We must prep every patient night before. If patient gets better, we must prep again for a patient not getting better. If that patient gets better, we must prep again until we have a packet of paper with all kinds of information, drawings and sketches (AKA patho/concept maps) to turn in to our teacher who will either give us
a) a S (this would be good)
b) a MS (this is not good, but acceptable if you have a plan to improve or change)
c) a U (this would be a disaster)and would cost a lot of $$$$$$, mental instability and probably crying. Perhaps it would cause one to take medication. Maybe not, but at least we have Mosby's.

When going to clinical, we should take everything with us, but not take it really. We should leave it in our car, which will be parked at least two football fields away so that if we need it, it will require us to exert a copious amount of Carbon dioxide to retrieve it.

We should report to our charge RN on prep night and ask that important person (who thinks we are ridiculous in our large white uniforms, to help us pick a good patient for our rotations. If that person likes us, I think we would get a patient who might stay longer than 12 hours. If not, go back to Clinical tips above and do not pass go or collect $200, because you have to start all over again. This might require staying up until 4 AM after the PM shift because "under no circumstances are you to report to the next shift without a care plan for a patient - you will be sent home" This is where most us start to feel the effects of diaphoresis. I am fanning myself as I write it. I am faint. I should go to bed now.

Okay. This little thing goes on for three (8 hour shifts) in a row. If you count the prep, it's (4) 8 hour shifts in row, this does not count as theory..this is clinical only because there are 40 chapters somewhere to read too - because you want to get that S...remember? I think somewhere in there, I've signed up for about 450 care plans and maybe a couple dozen papers. I heard that somewhere in this are games, powerpoints and meaningful group interactions; perhaps a project on a big piece of cardboard. Group projects:concentration camps, what do you think? Do the math. Food factors in here somewhere. Trudy fed me a stick of gum - because no one wants halitosis.

In the event, that the staff RN hates you, see your clinical instructor who will most likely give you a MS on your interpersonal skills, which if you look at b) above is really your only option. I think if you do the math, you'll see where this is leading.