Five weeks of Pediatrics - Putting it all together

I deliberately stopped writing Tales during my pediatric rotation for many reasons. My stress levels increased significantly over the summer and came to a peak and I was simply too exhausted to write anymore. We had a bunch of busy work and it seemed I was treading water trying to stay ahead of all the projects, papers, research and clinical expectations. So I shut down on the one thing I always used to de-stress...writing. Instead, I stayed above ground and when I wasn't doing anything related to school, I slept. Seems like we took a running leap into this program, kinda like leaping off an endless abyss, and the fall at the end of it was hard. It took several weeks, plus a summer break to come out of it. Sheer exhaustion.

When I started pediatrics, I was going into a facility where my kids have been patients. Specifically, one of my kids was critically ill in this facility and walking the halls was all too familiar. I also had memories of helping a family who had roomed with us say goodbye their child and part of our helping them was being there when their daughter passed away and helping them with the funeral. I know the room that MJ died in. I had patients in the same room she shared with my daughter and where my daughter's PICC line was inserted. It was surreal, but being there as a nursing student was different. Significantly different.

As I mentioned in the previous post, I asked to be put with the sickest kids for a reason. I wanted the cancer kids, the CF kids, the heart kids and the dying kids. I definitely wanted a NICU and PICU experience. I got everything I asked for and then some.

As a nurse on the other side of the nurse's station, I saw the other side of the story. The family dynamics, the innocence of sick children along with the functionality of strong families, coupled with the weaknesses of the broken families.

My patients had leukemia, hypertrophic heart problems, cystic fibrosis, sickle cell crisis, post op complications, brain injuries, respiratory and renal failure. The babies I took care of were preemies and had a host of complications, namely they were too fragile and small to be cared for outside the clinical setting; one patient I cared for on a Saturday NICU rotation had been a patient her entire life, 13 months to be exact. She still has a long road until they she can grow up outside the hospital.

There were heartbreaking stories in the PICU of viral meningitis, heart/kidney/respiratory failure, Valley Fever...and bad prognoses. With one admission, I looked into the faces of the parents and I instantly saw people I knew. My daughter recovered. I knew that theirs wouldn't.

After my clinical final evaluation, my clinical instructor asked why I wanted a generalized preceptorship. She thought I should specialize. "You're good with the patients and their families, you connect with the kids and have the critical thinking skills"

The answer is simply this...if you could guarantee that I could work two years with critically ill kids...without falling apart after every shift, I would consider it. The challenge is to find the area of nursing that is most comfortable, where I can give without losing myself and or ability to function outside the clincial setting. Dying kids is a tough job for anyone. Pediatric nurses are special. I'm not so sure I could do this for too long.

Still trying to put it all together.