Now what?

"So, Mom, did you get a job today?" greets me daily when the kids or hub arrive home from work and school. Looming on the horizon are several things that have me excited and terrified at the same time. One of the kids is graduating high school in May, heading off to Europe for month a half and is hoping to go to college out of state in the Fall. The middle child wants my car, literally. The baby isn't a baby anymore and I am weighing whether to send her to private school. So, in lieu of the hopes of dreams of three older children wanting to spread their wings, is a new nurse mother desperately trying to land a position as a nurse, somewhere...anywhere...hello nurse shortage, I answered the call ~ are you there?

I have applied for 150 positions. Five are in limbo someplace between recruitment and management and no interviews yet. I have tried calling, emailing, facebooking, and physically driving to see nurse managers. The words "new grad" taste like poi at the Luau. You know you have to eat it, but it doesn't taste good. How much can one emphasize one's maturity. Just look at me.

I have modified my resume 20 different ways, and yet the phone doesn't ring. In the meantime, I am selling my nursing books and homeschooling books. It is keeping my mind off the fact that my phone isn't ringing, and will hopefully buy my oldest a round trip ticket to Europe for graduation. I have a lot of books.

In the meantime, my suit is pressed, all my paperwork is in order, my license fresh off the press, and certifications updated for basic and advanced care life support. What more can I do? I have thought about catering lunches for units looking for nurses; seriously gone are the days of signing and referral bonuses. Whining.

Patience, I know. I think pray, hope and don't worry. Ok. Loans come due June 30...something has to happen before then. I'm better than poi.

4 AM....Train pulls in...

2 AM: I checked the BRN page and the system was starting it's update. I went back to bed. My stomach has been hurting all weekend.

4 AM: My husband gets up and goes out to the family room. He comes back into the bedroom and says you might want to come see this. I stumble out of bed and look at the computer. Beautiful sight after 30+ years of imagining..and 3 years of hard work. My nursing license. A train never looked so good.

NCLEX..waiting for my train to come in...

Nothing can prepare a nurse graduate for Boards and how you feel after you take them. In my mind, I envisioned hours of testing,thinking about the nurses who took paper pencil tests on every aspect of nursing from neonatal to geriatrics.

My boards were over before they began. I had taken a Kaplan prep course to practice questions and brush up on content I might have missed in school. I did everything Kaplan required and then got utterly tired of doing questions. I simply couldn't do another Q-Bank. I stopped the day before to rest and ended up getting a pedicure and massage. I went to bed early, thanks to Melatonin...and woke with the roosters.

Packing a bag of snacks, eating breakfast, two cups of coffee, listening to happy tunes, saying my prayers. Checking in. All these things I imagined. Then I took a couple deep breaths, put in my ear plugs and began.

Question 1...nothing looked familiar. Question 2....I don't know and so on..This went on for 80 questions and then the CAT screen went to black. What the hell? What just happened? Did I answer those correctly or did I just throw three years of schooling down the toilet?

I don't know...it felt awful. It was surreal. Two other classmates where there taking at the same time and they experienced the same reaction. How can this test that I just took in 2.5 hours determine if I am competent to be a nurse?

This is day 4 of my wait. I don't know what is next. I have 45 days to retest. If I didn't pass, I wouldn't even know where to go to resume studying. Is this the last bit of torture, or is just the nature of nursing..to always be exhausted, psychologically tested and wondering where you stand.

In the meantime, I am standing on the platform, waiting for my train to come in.